2009/07/09

Captain's Logs From Nowhere

So, with the release of the new Star Trek movie (AKA Dawson's Trek, Trek: 90210, Degrassi: The Next Generation (wait...)), people are actually trying to say nice things about Star Trek. Only, unfortunately, the only nice thing you can say about Star Trek—especially this prepubescent take on the franchise—is that its vision of the future is "optimistic."

And dear God, the animals actually think that's a good thing.

Oh, sure, Star Trek is optimistic—in a quasi-Hegelian Marxist triumphalism sort of way. Roddenberry's conception of a happy future is oddly similar to the ideal Socialist state...because he was a Pinko half-wit.

Seriously, all you Libertarians that like Star Trek: were you that scared by the Cold War, that you latched onto anything that presented a future where the bomb didn't fall? Even if the show was cheerleading for the destruction of everything you hold dear, especially the system you treat as a fetish? The show said the same thing about your god it said about mine: Trek's no nicer to the almighty Market (pbui) and its Invisible Hand (if I may be so bold as to mention holy matters) than it is to Christianity.

And here's something apparently nobody notices: the supposedly optimistic future isn't even all that appealing, especially in TNG. Consider their leisure hours: they play tennis, study judo, and listen to (exclusively) coffee bar jazz or classical music. They read only the classics. They play chess; their parties look like they should be happening in some semi-employed playwright's loft in the Village.

They're fricking space Yuppies. Rather pretentious space Yuppies, who probably subscribe to The New Yorker—to read it, I mean, not just leave it lying around so they look sophisticated to shallow people. Spiritually speaking, that makes Planet of the Apes look downright Pollyanna-ish.

Oh, and how about the aliens?

Klingons: They went from being a stand-in for some Cold War player or other, to being a stereotype of warrior cultures (about 3 parts Viking to 1 part Sioux)...except nobody paused to do a lick of research into how warrior cultures function. They're also supposed to be great warriors, and yet they never kick!

Vulcans: They're ethical-cultural Jews—only Comtist positivists! ('cause Lord knows positivism hadn't been discredited by the forties)

Romulans: utterly, utterly wasted, because the show being written at a third-grade level requires simplistic bad guys. Ditto Cardassians. Their cultures look vastly preferable to 24C humanity, frankly.

Don't even get me started on the Borg, although their original version (where they were tech-looters, not "assimilate everything" cliches) was better. And Guinan? It wouldn't be TV from the 90s without Whoopi Goldberg as a Magical Negro!

The more one thinks about it, the more it becomes apparent that Star Trek is only optimistic if you're the sworn enemy of all mankind.

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